Because I love you
by Sinmora
Summary: Maura struggles to control her growing feelings for Jane while the detective recovers from Casey's rejection during season three. As of now, the story will only encompass the episode "Welcome to the Dollhouse" but may go onto other episodes. Rating M for mentions of suicide and perhaps sexual scenarios in later chapters.
1. Just let her love me

Maura paced her kitchen, the espresso she'd made untouched and cooling with each second on the counter. She'd waited patiently for Jane to either sever ties with Casey or move forward with the relationship once he'd returned. Now that the man of Jane's dreams had returned and subsequently rejected her wholeheartedly, Maura didn't quite know what to do with herself, how to act around Jane. She loved her, plain and simple, and though she misunderstood many social cues and, more often than not, sarcasm, she knew that she must tread easily while Jane was in her vulnerable state of heartbreak. If she didn't time her confession of love perfectly, she would lose Jane, maybe not as a friend but certainly as anything more. She glanced at her watch and sighed. If she didn't leave soon, she'd be late for work and way too late to spend a few extra minutes with Jane before she confined herself to the basement of the precinct to busy herself with reports until another homicide happened. She always felt conflicting emotions when she received those calls, euphoria at practically spending every waking moment with Jane and guilt for deriving pleasure at the expense of someone else's life.

She shook her hands vigorously and then twisted her rings, trying to expel the nervous energy that had been building over the past couple of weeks. She ached to be with Jane. In retrospect, she'd always ached to be near Jane, at first it had been as a friend. She'd never really had a true friend, not like Jane. She'd never been invited out for drinks by a coworker before Jane, and honestly, she almost expected Jane's seemingly sincere offer to spend time together outside of work to be a cruel joke. It had happened to her before after all, people pretending to be nice only to laugh later, or creating inside jokes by complimenting her and secretly laughing behind her back when she thanked them for their kindness. She closed those thoughts down as the pang in her chest at the friendships that had never actually happened threatened to make her cry.

She was beyond that now. She was a brilliant, accomplished woman who had managed to surround herself with good people and friends and family. The Rizzoli's had welcomed her with open arms. Korsak had become that lovable uncle she'd never had. Frost had become a well-respected friend, and even on some days, she imagined that he was her adopted brother. Then there was Jane. All of these people had been pulled together and knitted in place because their love and commitment to each other as friends and coworkers had become the center of their odd but devoted family. If someone stepped between them, Maura feared that her makeshift family would unravel, and she would be alone once more. She could have survived that if she'd never known what it felt like to have a warm and loving family like the one that she and Jane had built together. If she lost that now, she'd never recover. She might as well kill herself and spare her heart the pain and torture the slow death of loneliness would surely bring. She had to win Jane's heart, had to help her move past Casey so that she would at least stand a fighting chance of being the one that made Jane's heart beat faster.

She shook her hands out again. Jogging. She'd make Jane go for a jog this morning before work. The serotonin that the physical exertion released may just be enough to push Jane over that threshold between depression and acceptance that she'd been toeing for the past week. Maybe, just maybe then she'd stand a chance. Decision made, she packed her jogging gear into a bag and headed towards the door. If she didn't hit traffic, she and Jane would have time for at least a 20 minute jog before they officially had to tend their duties in their respective offices. Maura didn't really believe in God or higher powers, but she found herself hoping against hope that one of them answered her prayers today. Just let her love me.


	2. It would be so easy

Maura quickly changed and then made her to the Division One café to find Jane. She watched her from the door for a moment, wild hair greasy and unkempt, shoulders hunched like she was trying to collapse in on herself just to hide from everyone else in the café. Her pancakes hadn't been touched yet, and her coffee was half empty. It was a trend that Maura had noticed over the past couple of weeks. Jane would fill up on coffee, relying on the caffeine for the energy that she wasn't getting from the food that she always ordered but never ate. Jane was depressed, and it made Maura's blood boil. Casey didn't deserve Jane. He never did. He was just a pretty face who blew back into her life and played on her high school crush fantasy in order to get what he wanted and then broke her heart. He wasn't there day in and day out, protecting Jane, loving Jane. He loved her when it was convenient for him to love her.

She became a pretty face to get him through his days in Afghanistan and a distraction from the war when he was on leave. Granted, Maura liked him as a person, which made this entire situation more complicated. He was a nice man, a good man, and a brave committed soldier, but even a decent man made mistakes when faced with the adversity and trauma of war. She would never know what he saw over there, and honestly, she didn't want to ever find out. It would make being angry with him harder, and she needed to be angry in order to help Jane move on with her life, to move on straight into her arms. She sighed and forced an optimistic expression to her face and jogged to Jane's table.

"You're running this morning. Come on." Usually Maura could talk Jane into nearly anything. She'd been to more art galleries and museums in the past two years than she had her entire life, and Maura enjoyed the challenge of talking her into things she didn't particularly want to do. Everyone thought she was this clueless genius who had gotten lucky by being so loyal to Jane that the detective found it hard to refuse her requests. Only Jane and Maura knew the truth. They both knew that their relationship wasn't as one-sided as everything believed it to be. Jane opened up to Maura, about cases and her feelings, things that normally remained hidden beneath Jane's tough exterior.

"Uh Uh. Too late. I already showered." So, it would be the deflection technique this morning. Maura sighed inwardly and pressed on, hating the sluggish lull to Jane's normally soulful cadence. Oh, the things that voice made her want to do.

"Last night or this morning?" She playfully sniffed at Jane, hoping levity would lighten the detective's mood. Jane threatened her with a plastic fork, and she pulled away, truly believing that Jane might poke her with the object if she pressed too hard this morning.

"Nevermind." She retracted her question. "Let's go!" She forced enthusiasm into her words, but her face fell when Jane retreated further into her shell.

"No, I can't. My stomach's full." Full of coffee. Maura glanced at Jane's untouched bunny pancakes that Angela had made and sighed again. Perhaps science would work where hopeful enthusiasm would not.

"Jane, you need endorphins from physical activity because you're depressed." She'd avoided using the word depressed until now, but her desperation grew with each passing day. If Jane didn't snap out of Casey's spell soon, she'd lose her forever because she'd end up doing something stupid like kissing Jane and confessing her love in a desperate but heartfelt attempt to save her friend from her own heartbreak.

"I'm not depressed." Jane countered defensively, but a flicker of realization passed over her dark eyes. She knew Maura was right, but she wasn't willing to accept her situation yet. Maura was hopeful. Even if she couldn't accept it, the seed had been planted and understood, which meant she was one step closer to bringing Jane back to her.

"See?" Jane drawled sarcastically and forced a smile to her face that didn't reach her eyes. Jane could be infuriating at times.

"You'll get over Casey." Maura blurted out before she could stop herself, and Jane's fake smile fell from her lips. Maura hated herself a little bit. Even if it had been a fake smile, Maura had missed it, and she wanted it back. This is why she never got deeply involved with anyone. Emotions were messy, and love hurt far worse than any grief she'd felt. Grief faded with time, but love slowly burned you up from the inside out until there was nothing left. Jane would take everything from her if she didn't snap out of this Casey depression, and then Maura would have nothing left but her science and her work. Perhaps it would be better that way.

She zoned out, even as she continued to speak. Her brain took over as she struggled to control her heart, the one defense she had against the world, her science, her gigantic store of facts that helped her make sense of the world. Everything could be explained scientifically, and if she could just make Jane understand what was happening, maybe she could push her through the depression. But Jane wasn't like her. Jane felt things more than she thought about things, and if she wanted to push her past Casey's memory, she'd have to make her feel something else. She sighed as Jane violently lashed out at her bunny pancake. How could she make Jane see her? How could she make her understand that she would give her everything that Casey wouldn't?

She rolled her eyes when Rondo leaned over Jane's shoulder and began talking about the stupid bunny pancakes. She wanted to scream. Could no one see the anguish she felt inside? Surely, it had caused her to grow an abnormal appendage by now from being so bottled up that a physical anomaly was the only option of release. Giving up on her run, Maura grabbed a coffee cup but didn't have a chance to fill it by the time her phone buzzed with news of a murder. Maura nearly cried in relief. Normally, a murder meant that she'd have unfettered access to Jane, but now she just looked forward to the distraction from her messy emotions.

Usually, Maura was the one person everyone turned to when they knew Jane needed a voice of reason, a strong shoulder to lean on in the face of her own personal demons. Jane would never allow any of the other cops to see her in a weakened state, even though Frost and Korsak knew when she was tormented. They depended on her, strong-willed and brilliant Dr. Isles to hold Jane together until the war ebbed inside the dark detective. Who was going to hold her together so that she could be there for Jane? She almost hated Jane in that moment as she slipped down to the morgue to change back into her work attire. How could she not see her? They would be so wonderful together. They would fit so perfectly. She would love Jane faithfully until the day she died. They already practically lived together, and it worked. They were meant to be, and their relationship, should it ever be romantic, would be so easy. It would be so easy to love her. Maura bowed her head and willed her thoughts into silence as the elevator dinged and opened into the only place that felt comfortable to her now, her morgue. She could still speak for the dead even if she couldn't speak for herself.


	3. It didn't matter

Maura's anger grew. Heat crept up her chest and into her face until her ears burned with irrational rage towards the object of Jane's depression… and her love.

"I didn't come back for Jane." It seemed simple to him, so simple. He came back for himself, to try and regain his ability to walk properly without the assistance of crutches. He came back to try and regain his ability to feel like a man again, not to love Jane.

"You didn't come back for Jane?" Maura's head cocked to the side as the incredulity of the statement sunk in. She turned slowly and closed the door, shutting out the murmur of the busy veteran's center.

"Are you stupid?" Maura blurted out as she whipped around so quickly she felt a wave of dizziness behind her eyes.

"Excuse me?" Casey leaned forward and propped his forearm on the desk he hidden behind for the past few months.

"I asked if you were stupid. Or are you so self-involved that you can't see how incredibly lucky you are? Jane _loves_ you. YOU!" She slammed her hands on his desk and glared straight into his eyes. The outburst was uncharacteristic for her, but the more she lost control of her words and actions, the better she felt. She didn't have to hold it together all the time, and Casey was a deserving target of her rage.

"Do you know how many people would kill to be in your shoes, even if their feet didn't work right? Do you really think she would care if she knew? You are an ignorant, selfish, scared, little boy who is terrified of loving Jane and telling her the truth because it would make you feel like less of a man, even if it's the right thing to do. Some of us would gladly give up part of our motor functions to have Jane love us the way she does you." Maura's eyes widened with the realization of her confession, and so did Casey's.

"You're in love with her." Casey's voice was barely a whisper. How had he never seen it before? The way they looked at each other, the desperate need to go running when one or the other called.

"Just tell her the truth." Maura's voice cracked, and she fought valiantly but tears streamed down her face anyway. "Tell her the truth and let her go so she can move on. Give the rest of us a fighting chance, Casey. If you won't love her, at least let me try." She begged. Maura Isles never begged, but she didn't know what else to do.

"What if I can't let her go?" Casey ducked his head, and Maura felt her heart break all over again for the umpteenth time that day.

"Then love…" Her voice cracked and she cleared her throat. "Then love her, Casey. You both either need closure or to move forward. Neither of you can continue to live like you're living."

"What about you? If I decide to tell Jane the truth and try to work through this with her, what happens to you, Maura?" His question was sincere. After all, he'd felt the hole Jane Rizzoli left inside when she was no longer within your grasp.

"I'll never stop loving Jane, Casey, but I want to see her happy again. I'm her best friend, and that will have to be enough for me. As long as I am in her life and she is happy, I'll find some way to survive." Her candidness shocked him. He'd never seen so much depth in Maura's hazel eyes. It frightened him how strongly she felt for Jane, and he knew she was right. He had to let her go because at the end of the day Maura Isles was the one who was willing to give up everything to be with Jane. He shouldn't stand in her way.

"I'll tell her, Maura, but in my own way. Until then, I'd appreciate you keeping this quiet."

"Of course. Thank you." She smiled at him, a genuine smile, the first one she'd had all day and then left.

Her enthusiasm mixed with dread as she headed back to the police station. He said he'd tell her, but he'd never said whether or not he would move on and let her go or try and work out their issues. It didn't matter, she told herself over and over again. As long as Jane came back to her in some capacity, it didn't matter who she woke up beside every morning. It didn't matter. Even as she repeated the mantra over and over in her head, she knew it was a lie. She may have just given Casey the courage he needed to take Jane in his arms and never let her go again. She may have just sealed her fate as a permanent fixture as Jane's best friend instead of being patient while Jane worked out her own heartache. She'd find a way to move on as long as Jane came back to her. It didn't matter.


End file.
